Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Blogtember 6/20: I Am Not Weak.

All of September I'm participating in "Blogtember" with Jenni from Story of My Life. The goal is to get back to blogging not to have "the coolest posts" but to share your story with the world. There will be a different prompt every day of the week - weekends are off! Today's prompt is:

Describe a distinct moment when your life took a turn.

I'm more than a little apprehensive about posting this, in fact I'm not sure if I should or not. This is my space, and a place where I'm allowed to just lay my cards on the table.

If you remember from this post I wrote "I remember being unhappy and more alone than ever... I remember an explosion of tempers, a broken door frame, and a broken heart (not mine). I remember being terrified. I remember things starting to get better. I remember starting to break out of the shell I had built for myself so long ago, and brushing off so many insecurities."

When I finished college and moved away for the second time, I was in a long distance relationship and unhappy. I knew we had different goals and ideals and wanted different things for the rest of our lives. I knew that no matter how happy we could make eachother in the present, there were things neither of us were willing to compromise on in the future. I knew I had to get out. In some ways, that's why I moved across the country, to give myself an out. While I was there I met someone. Someone much older than me, who also seemed like an out. 

See, back then, I was weak. I had no strength to end my relationship, and I had no strength to resist the advances of a new one. I broke it off with my then boyfriend, but started up with this new guy. He was overbearing and jealous, he had a short temper and above all he occasionally scared me. For about 2 months I pretended to be happy. I went through the motions of being a girlfriend because I couldn't stand on my own. And then I started looking for another out. I was looking for something to be the final straw, to make me the enemy I thought I was. I cheated.

I told him, and he forgave me, exactly the opposite of what I wanted to happen. I broke it off and he was violent and aggressive, always making threats. I was still weak, but I saw no future with him, no happiness, not even any attraction. All I saw was a reflection of my failures. 

One day in the middle of winter I came down with strep throat. I was in bed sick for a week, unable to eat solids or go to work or even stand on my own. I was mentally and physically weak. I was in the most broken down depressed and unhappy place of my life. And he tried to help. He would bring me soup and worked my shifts for me, which I appreciated. And then one day he snapped.

I'm not entirely sure what happened, but he claimed he was sick. He said he was dying, but didn't have money to go to the doctor (it was about a $30 taxi ride). I was still recovering but tried to help because he had helped me. I asked my friend to drive him to the doctor, and although she was working she came to talk to him and offered him a ride in an hour or two. He shouted profanities, insisted he was going to die, started punching walls, and yet still refused an ambulance to be called. He was a grown man having a temper tantrum. I felt sorry for him. 

The next day, after he had finally gone to the doctor he came back (with a clean bill of health I might add) and was still rude to the entire staff who the day before had tried to help him. I apologized to the girl he had spoken down to, because I had gone to get her, and then decided that I should speak to him. I asked him calmly why he had behaved so ridiculously the day before and he started going off at me. He called me a "stupid spoiled immature slut cunt whore bitch etc." He made me feel small. He made me feel weak and helpless, until I remembered I wasn't. 

I told him he was the one being immature and that he was obligated to appologize  to everyone he had hurt. I raised my voice, I was growing angrier and angrier by the second. I told him he needed to grow up, and that I was done dealing with him. I went to my room, and locked the door. 

Moments later, I heard a knock at the door and then the door knob try and turn. He was coming to apologize, I think. It didn't get to that part, because next thing I knew he had broken down my door and was standing over me with his fist raised. He looked at me for a second, before realizing what he had just done. I ran past him and out of the room. I ran across the property where the other staff were living. I ran in my bare feet in the snow. I didn't cry. I walked into the house and no one was there. I stood there, shaking, wearing just a tshirt and a pair of shorts. I knew that things had gone to far. 

It was in that moment, I realized that I had far too much respect for myself to let me be treated like that. I knew that I wasn't going to let someone else, anyone else run my life. I knew that even though I had been a bad person I could grow from that and become a better person. I knew that I didn't need a man to rely on, or any kind of "out." And I certainly know I did not ever want to put myself in a position to be physically hurt again. I am not a punching bag. 

I am not weak.  photo Untitled-4_zps00dbc191.png

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