Friday, 17 August 2012

How To Get A Concussion!

Hello SeductiveMania readers!

Today I'm going to post a very informative tutorial on how to get a concussion.* Now, I'm sure you're sitting on the edge of your seats, just waiting for the step by step instructions... but let me just tell you that the fun will last a couple of days, or longer if you're prone to migraines like me yipee!

Step One: Pick a Shelf.

That's right folks, now it's important to find the right kind of shelf. It has to be a sturdy, well made shelf, preferably wooden. Another very important factor in selecting a shelf is that it should have a corner approximately forehead height. It will be extremely difficult to complete step number two with a shelf at an incorrect height.

Step Two: Put Something Important in Danger.

... on the other side of the shelf. Maybe dangle your favourite child or pet over a burning hot stove. Maybe just put on a pot with a sauce that's seconds to boiling over and in dire need of being turned down or you'll have an icky sticky mess all over the stove and no one is even close to the burner so you must turn it down or you'll have to clean it up. You know, something like that. 

Step Three: Run Into Shelf.

Now you can interpret this step however you want, but for best results, literally run into the shelf. Choose your important object carefully for this reason. Imagine little Spike or your first born dangling precariously over a demon shark infested pond (with lasers) and aim carefully. You want to hit your forehead hard enough to throw you backwards, but after that play it cool. Expect to be extremely dizzy and in a lot of throbbing pain.

Step Four: Don't Tell Anyone.

To avoid awkward questions like "why did you run into a shelf" don't tell anyone about the extreme pain in your brain, especially if it lasts - or even gets worse over the next 4 days. The nausea, stomach aches, dizziness, and/or blurred vision are things you should probably not tell anyone about.

Step Five: Succumb to the Inevitable.

Congratulations! You've made it to our final step. While your head may feel like a million little demon creatures are trying to drill their way out of your brain, you have successfully had and made worse a concussion! Once you begin vomiting and crying from the pain in your head, someone will eventually notice and take you to a doctor. Bed rest, fluids, and extra strength Tylenol will now be your best friends!

Bonus Points:

Now I know some of you over achievers out there are thinking - that's good, but how do I make it worse?! My suggestion to you is once you're at the doctors office, stand up too fast for the sizeable injection in your rear end (one that is supposed to help your migraines, by the way) and once the needle has been injected, proceed to get all together too dizzy, and faint on the doctors office floor. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll come to soon enough on the floor pants around your knees suitable embarrassed. But you have achieved your goal - a second minor head trauma! You'll be out of work for a couple of days, but that pain which is now throbbing on both sides of your head is 100% worth it!

*Disclaimer - Please don't do this. Ever. It f%$#ing hurts. A lot. (Yes, this is really what happened... I know.)

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